I sent a $280 pot of Le Creuset as a wedding present and never received a thank you. I’m afraid it never arrives. Is gauche to ask?
I attended a destination wedding in the spring. I don’t bring gifts because I don’t want to lug a large item on a plane and then have the newlyweds carry it home. The couple doesn’t have a registry, but a month ago I bought them a gift and had it delivered to their apartment in New York City. It’s a Le Creuset cast iron Dutch oven that costs $280.
I received a notification from the retailer that it had arrived, but I have yet to hear from the newlyweds to let me know they have received it. I’m not disappointed that they haven’t sent me a thank you — that would be nice, but I know they are busy professionals and probably haven’t gotten around to it yet. My concern is that they don’t accept gifts. I don’t want them to think I didn’t send them anything.
“’My concern is that they don’t accept gifts. I don’t want them to think I didn’t send them anything.’”
They live in an apartment, and I’m not sure what the mailing situation is. Some people’s packages were left on their doorstep, while other buildings had a doorman or mail room. The groom is my husband’s much younger cousin and we are not very close to the couple. We are closer to their parents.
Side note: We went to a wedding a few years ago and the couple signed up for a gift card to be sent to the home of the bride’s parents. We sent a $250 gift card, which they never received because the family thought it was junk mail and threw it away! I found this out after reluctantly contacting the couple, who didn’t thank us either.
I’m reluctant to call newlyweds and ask if they got a gift because I don’t want to seem guilty to them for not sending a thank you note quickly enough. Any suggestions on how to proceed?
Wedding guest
Dear Guest,
Given the considerate tone of your letter, and the fact that we all know a delivery goes awry, I think it’s pretty safe for you to ask.
My rule in life, even if it makes some people angry, is: More communication is better than less – as long as it’s direct rather than underhanded.
Better to ask, if you get the impression something is wrong, is everything ok. Even if they say yes and the honest answer is no, they’ll know you care, and they’ll know they can talk to you at the right time. Better, for example, to work things out with a family member you had a disagreement with and say you want to fix it. Better to clarify that email to coworkers via Slack or G-Chat. It makes more sense to speak up and make sure you understand the details of the contractor’s estimate if you believe you heard wrong.
Better to have a tough conversation with your boss. And it’s always better for people who talk a lot, especially in the workplace, to encourage others to have their voices heard: younger colleagues, and those who may end up taking a back seat in meetings, and not contributing their — often — equally valuable ideas. Bottom line: always say more than less when you’re trying to clarify something or solve a puzzle. Just don’t do it over text. Too many relationships, personal and professional, go to waste through texts and emails.
‘Would you rather know they accept the gifts you send, even if you risk them thinking you’re passive-aggressive? Or is it better lost or stolen, and they always wonder why you never sent them a present?’”
Now that I’ve let it go – I know, that’s a lot – yeah, better just ask the couple or their parents if they got the gift, because you’re not sure it was delivered. You can say something like, “Did you receive anything in the mail from me? I want to make sure it doesn’t disappear. The last time I sent someone a gift it never arrived, so I was always worried that they sent it to the wrong address or someone stole it from the porch.”
Would you rather know they accept the gifts you send, even if you risk them thinking you’re passive-aggressive? Or is it better lost or stolen, and they always wonder why you never sent them a gift? Those are the two extremes, but I’d take the former over the latter.
Another thing missing in the mix: People know people. We receive a great deal of information about our friends and family members through how they travel the world and through third parties. The kind of person who would write to the Moneyist who cared about all aspects of this question of etiquette was not the kind of person others would believe would go to great lengths just to get a word of thanks.
Also, great gift. That Le Creuset pot will last you a lifetime.
sod law maybe, of course, ensuring that as soon as you ask this question, you’ll see a thank you card in the mail. So maybe wait another month, and if you haven’t heard back by then, ask. If you receive a thank you the same day you ask your question, you can blame me.
“Given the considerate tone of your letter, and the fact that we all know a delivery went wrong, I think it’s safe enough for you to ask.” MarketWatch illustration
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